On Changing the Game

Before I start, let me say that I have finally reached the point where I actually like soccer. I have spent more time watching soccer this year than I have spent watching any other sport. And not just Hadley's club and high school soccer ... I'm talking televised soccer. Granted, the only things that consistently inspire me to turn on the idiot box are British period pieces (Lark Rise to Candleford being the current favorite) and black-and-white programs from the 1950s and early 1960s ... but I do periodically make way for sport. You want examples? I didn't watch the Super Bowl, but I did watch one college bowl game and also managed to catch the last 10 minutes of Kentucky's loss to UConn in the NCAA basketball championship. Do I know the channel number for ESPN? Not remotely. But I also couldn't tell you where to find ABC, NBC, or CBS (assuming they all still exist). I do know that HGTV is Channel 67, but that's only because Paige periodically wants to reinforce her frustration about our house in College Station not selling and she literally could not turn on the television and select the right input and find a program if her life depended on it. The fact that knight-errantry in the 21st century consists almost solely of tasks such as these is deplorable ... but with no dragons to be slain, what is one to do?

At any rate, soccer is fine. And the World Cup definitely is intense. But in the spirit of the Betterment of Mankind (or at least the Betterment of Sport), I have decided to propose that the rules of the game be changed in three major areas.

1) Offside - I have complained about this rule since I was first introduced to the game. The source of my complaint historically has been twofold. First, until recently my daughter had always played forward; therefore, the offside rule is stupid. Second, the offside rule is stupid; therefore, the offside rule is stupid. I mean seriously, can you imagine a whistle being blown in a basketball game because a guy stole the ball and passed it ahead to a teammate on a fast break instead of waiting for the defense to catch up to him first? Or a flag being thrown in (American) football because the quarterback waited to throw to the end zone until his receiver had beaten the defensive back on his corner route? Think about it. Is there a rule in all of sports that is more Socialist? "Wait ... because you defensive players are too lazy or too slow to guard people properly, we'll just invent a rule that takes a goal away from the team that has more initiative." No wonder the U.S. is so terrible at soccer. The offside rule alone is against everything that has made this country great (insert audio of fife and drum corps playing "Yankee Doodle Dandy," ala Green Acres).

Despite this impassioned backdrop, in the past couple of years I have sort of come around to thinking that maybe the idea behind the offside rule isn't completely stupid. Those of you who have spent time around me at soccer fields may now pick yourselves up off the floor. Could it be that my primary rationale for thinking that the offside rule might NOT be so stupid is because my daughter played defense for the first time this past year? Maybe. But I've also come to realize that the integrity of the game might suffer a bit if teams decided to plant a couple of people deep in an effort to cherry pick. With that in mind, the compromise I offer is as follows (which I believe might even gain the support of a few purists):

In my Soccer Kingdom, if the ball is inside the 18-yard line the offside rule shall no longer apply.

2) Draws - This point has been discussed at length by many an armchair quarterback. The most tired (but no less accurate) metaphor probably is "kissing one's sister." Only in soccer can a team gain points by failing to prove that it is better than the competition. Again, the parallel to Socialism is striking. Paige made the point yesterday that sport, at some level, is intended as a substitute for war. Teams are drawn up. The battle ensues. Supporters cheer. Victors reign. Losers don't. Question: What is the only 21st century war to have resembled (charitably) a draw in soccer? Answer: Vietnam. And I'm pretty sure we weren't real happy with the outcome of that one. So ... what's the solution? A reasonable argument could be advanced for extra periods (as in the NHL playoffs) or even an immediate shootout. Both would be consistent with how the game operates in certain circumstances and both would be preferable to the current state of affairs. However, to make things a bit more interesting and in keeping with the battle analogy, I offer the following:

In my Soccer Kingdom, if the score is tied at the end of regulation, the captain of each team will identify the man he perceives to be the most feeble player on the other team. Both of these men will be given a cricket bat and blows will be traded until a clear loser emerges.

3) Drama - If you have not watched any of the 2014 World Cup, you need to ... purely for the opportunity to see grown men act like five year-olds. I could point to all manner of scenarios, ranging from post-goal celebrations to the absolute certainty that if one is breathed upon (or not), one has been fouled. But the scenario that I will emphasize here involves rolling around on the ground pretending to be hurt. Is this practice part of some ancient pagan soccer ritual (i.e., if one continually prostrates oneself before the gods, is one less likely to be tossed into the volcano)? Are these gentlemen simply stalling for time? Or are they attempting to accumulate points in pursuit of FIFA's coveted Pantywaist of the Year award? I don't know the answer. I do know, however, that the ratio of actual injuries to players down is statistically indistinguishable from zero. As such, it strikes me that a simple way to address this issue would be to treat a soccer match like a boxing match. Specifics?

In my Soccer Kingdom, if a player spends more than 10 seconds on the ground for any reason he must be removed for the remainder of the game.

I have a couple other solid ideas, including establishing a rule that would be similar to basketball's backcourt violation. But I don't want to play my full hand just yet. Perhaps FIFA will be looking for new leadership for the 2018 Cup ...

Cheers,
Mike